American Accent

Today I was inspired to post my first real blog ever to update any interested souls on my progress here in South Africa. “Why so moved?” you ask. Well it all started as I was phoning various mobile service providers in the area for my project. I had a sharpie in my hand, ready to check off “speak with Vodacom re: bulk SMS and phones” from my list of things to do. My grip on that sharpie got tighter and tighter as my extremely expensive airtime dwindled down while I was transferred from useless employee to useless employee because, through each person pretended to understand me and know to whom I should speak, what each one actually wanted was to pass my incomprehensible accent into the next poor bloke to deal with. However, just as I was about to stab the thus-far unused sharpie in my eye socket and hope it reached some vital part of my brain, I was put on hold one more time. I listened for a moment and set the sharpie down gently on top of my untouched to-do list with a smile.

The background music: “Africa” by Toto.

I couldn't help but laugh and it was by far the most pleasant 4 minutes spent on hold all day. It also gave me the courage to finally stop cycle of the ritual polite exchange, which would inevitably lead to the brief explanation of my project, then to the confused pause, and then to the transfer. When the next woman picked up, I finally just said “I need to be in touch whoever would be in charge of potential partnerships or the possibility of innovative technology.” Apparently, said in an American accent, “innovative technology” has a certain authority, or maybe charm, to it and I was immediately transferred to a fellow who is going to get the company to help me with my project.

Life is good. I thank Toto.

It has been a full three weeks and I think I can now consider myself “settled.” I am already in the habit of the “How is it?” greeting before any real exchange of information, I drive a manual on the left side of the road in traffic worse than New York, and I found the supermarket with parmesan cheese. (I have since made noodles with butter, parmesan and salt several times, telling people that it is a “traditional American meal.” After everyone tasted it, they thanked me, informed me that they felt thoroughly cultured and were, furthermore, impressed that I could cook. Is it immoral to feel satisfied from this exchange?)

I’ll admit, moving to a new country is frustrating. Nothing can be done smoothly since I have no knowledge of how the most basic stuff works. For the first week or so, there was one road block in front of another. Whether it is “I don’t think that is right,” (like needing South African health insurance to be a University of Pretoria student,) or “how was I supposed to know that?” (like only needing to put in 7 of 8 digits of my regular log-in student number in order to print,) or “that’s just plain confusing,” (like road signs which don’t indicate a cardinal direction, only the township to which they eventually lead... you don’t know the names/locations of townships, you are outta luck. Period.) it all makes everything take a bit longer. But the only time I really gritted my teeth were a few very important things, like getting an I.D. card so I had access to my dorm. For the first week I had to stand in the parking lot, look up at an open window and yell, “Hey. Hey! Can someone swipe me in?” This is where having a "cute" American accent pays off. Luckily, I now have my own I.D. card to swipe in and no longer have to whore out my foreignness just to get into my home.

So I’ve admitted that it is frustrating. However, it is also hilarious. Mostly, it is hilarious.

For example, one of my first quests was to get internet for my computer. The first exchange happened as I walked into a cell phone store where they sell phones, prepaid airtime cards, everything. These stores are quite common and are all very similar. It was a good place to start. After saying hello, I state simply, “I am looking for a modem which plugs into my computer and uses a SIM card to get internet.” They looked at me like I had two heads. I let a good few minutes to go by to allow them to get over the shock of my foreign accent and anything else that may have thrown them into a stupor- like the fact that I have an extra head. Then, one guy leaned onto the counter showing he was now intently focused on my words. I slowed down, “I have a laptop computer.” Head nods. “I need to use the internet on it.” Head nods. “From what I understand, there is some sort of device or modem which will plug into my laptop and allow me to go onto the internet.” More two-headed-girl stares. More silence. Suddenly, one guy’s face lights up. “OH!” he exclaims with eyebrows raised and a smile. He reaches to a shelf behind him and grabs a package. As he is handing it to me, I feel a sudden rush of joy and relief that I’ve connected with a human being and that, furthermore, I might get to have the internet. I grab the plastic and look down. It is a standard computer mouse. Not even the laser kind, the kind with the ball.

This is made even more hilarious by how simple this transaction should have been. I left that shop and walked into similar one a few doors down. They immediately pointed me in the direction of a computer shop who sold then me the modem. It did, however, take me an entire weekend to realize that, No, I did not have to storm back into the store and demand my money back for the bum modem they’d sold me, but that instead, I could just put the SIM card in right-side-up to get it to work.

The humor in these small things blows me away. Literally. My power adapter turned my miniature travel blow dryer into a hand held rocket jet,...complete with fire and the power of combustion. Though I nearly lost my face in the incident, I still laugh as I pick it up, aim it at my open window and dare, in a clicking-like language, the next human to try to get in. ... Ah yes. I’ve also seen “District 9” during my stay here. It is about aliens in Johannesburg. You see, the prawns – the aliens- have these super weapons which are only activated by their DNA. This means, logically, that my blow dryer is probably a prawn weapon and I was unknowingly infected with prawn fuel, slowly turning me into a prawn and, thus, giving me the capacity to turn the tiny hair styling device into a tool of destruction… Whatever. Just see the movie.

http://www.district9movie.com/

So contrary to what it may seem, I have not lost my mind. I am having a good time. I am indeed a little homesick sometimes- intensely when I try to explain that I became an “Auntie” a few days ago and then, at times, have to try the word “Nephew” with a few different intonations and even then sometimes get that look that tells me either (1) that I sound like a prawn or (2) that regardless of how I am speaking, I have grown another head in the midst of conversation. Even in these times of frustration or self-deprecating humor, I am so wildly happy to be here.... and so to South Africa I say, “Its gonna take a lot to take me away from you. Its nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do.”

Under African Skies Mass Email

Dear, well, everyone.

Congratulations! If you are receiving this email it means you are a member of an elite social group known in certain circles as "Andrea's Mass Email *To Box." More commonly known as, "The Cool Kids."


Having said this, I apologize for the generic this-is-what's-happening mass email. If you are like me, you probably want to kick me in the head about now. Let's be honest, if you are like me, you've deleted this email without even opening it, unless the subject line mislead into you into thinking it was a personalized email in which case you opened it, began reading, cursed loudly at the sender, forwarded it to your friends with a bitchy note attached and only then proceeded to delete it without reading.

The truth is, however, this email has been commissioned by many persons who wish to know the wheres, whats, whens and all those other dubs. There are certain things flying around (missionary work?! Hayley, comeon!!!) that I have no better way to clear up (Not being on facebook is Social Suicide) than to fill my one-time mass email obligation.

Therefore, Cool Kids, I invite you to enjoy the privilege that comes with your place in this exclusive club this and browse this list of frequently asked questions heard straight from the mouths of your fellow members and compiled by yours truly for your reading pleasure.

FAQs:

On the Subject of Med school:

Q: Andrea. Aren't you a doctor yet?
A: It seems like I should be, doesn't it? Afterall, I've been in school for nearly a billion years and am aging quite rapidly. However, I have one more year of medical school to compete before I graduate.

Q: So next year you'll be an MD, right? And prescribe me a bunch of fun meds?A: Your drug habit will have to go on hold for an extra year. Though I only have my 4th year of medical school to complete, I won't be starting it until 2010 and graduating in 2011.
Q: What are you doing during the next year?
A: I am a recipient of the Doris Duke International Clinical Research Fellowship from Yale School of Medicine. I will be in Tshwane, South Africa for the year participating as part of a research team as well as undertaking my own research project.

Q: I thought you were just at Yale ... wtf?
A: After I finished my last rotation at Brown, I drove to KY and then to MN, studied for and took my boards (suckas!!), flew back to the East Coast to move to New Haven where I mastered biostatics and boned up on research methods (Bite your tongue! I am very studious!)

Q: But why the hell would you tack on an extra year to med school hell?
A: Well, when you put it that way, Good freakin' question. I think I thrive off of misery. But, as the "core crew" tells me, this is actually a year away from med school doing research. Ultimately, this is as much about preparing for my career as basic science, clinical rotations and even residency.

Q: When do you go?
A: I am HERE! (I really procrastinated on this email! But now it serves the double purpose of responding to all the "did you make it ok?" emails. For those of you who did not send an "are you safe?" inquiry. Yes. I am. Thanks.) I'll be here until May.

On Research:

Q: Are you tired of telling people about what exactly it is you will be doing in S. Africa?
A: No i am not. But thanks for the concern.

Q: So....?
A: Oh! My work is surrounding Prevention of Mother-to-Child Transmission of HIV (PMTCT) programs. Basically, even in urban areas where proper ARVs and HAART is available and women are actually seen at clinics during pregnancy, the transmission rate here still really sucks (about 15%. In the states it is .001%) This is due to a lot of structural problems of resource-poor settings which affects delivery of PMTCT but also due to psychosocial factors faced by women that affect their adherence to PMTCT.

The large study I will be working on involves implementing large scale interventions at clinics to improve PMTCT delivery and adherence. My own study is trying to find new and innovative ways to support women during their pregnancy to increase PMTCT adherence. It is a feasibility study in which I will be running a support group via text messaging to see if this is a better approach due to women's limited mobility and other logistical barriers to "physical" support groups.

Q: So you get to go to S. Africa AND you get to text message the entire time?
A: Sweet deal, huh?

On other S. Africa work:

Q: Will you get to do any clinical work?
A: Yes. I am registered as a University of Pretoria medical student and I am invited to do as much or as little clinical work as I want. I plan to do a lot to get a better feel for international health and what would be the proper speciality in which to train. (Thank you Luther College, for making vocation something so complicated.) I especially want to spend time in the neonatal nursery and outpatient clinics and the ER.

Q: Are you sure you brought enough professional dress of being in the hospital?
A: I have plenty of modest blouses and knee length skirts.

Q: You'll be working with HIV, are you going to get AIDS? (I'm going to go ahead and give a shout out to Nana on that one.)
A: No. No, I will not. Apes maybe. But not AIDS.

South Africa logistics:

Q: Where is Tshwane?
A: It is what used to be called Pretoria. It is the municipal capital of S. Africa and right next to Johannesburg.

Q: Will you be home for Christmas?
A: I know that Santa is getting me a really cool gift called "Nephew" which I'd love to come home to see. However, I am not making any promises and may use the holiday to travel to places where jet lag won't be such an issue (Paris in December?!)

Q: Where will you live?A: I am living in the medical school dorms near the medical campus. They are SWEET! Plus, S. African medical students are REALLY well dressed and nice to look at. Brown Med 2010 could take a few pointers.

Q: Where are your kitties? (I would not normally have included this question, but I must admit that it is indeed the most FAQ.
A: I brought them to KY to live with my sister-in-law to beat up her dog. My plants, too, are also safe with multitudes of friends... I know you were worried.

Q: Will you have time to travel?
A: I will make sure of it. If anyone wants to meet me anywhere, let me know. Ghana and Madagascar are among my stops.

Q: Will you have Internet?
A: No. Unfortunately my hut does not have electricity and the country of Africa has not yet discovered these modern forms of communication.

Q: Will you blog while you are there?
A: I do not believe I have anything interesting or important enough to say that it must circulate through cyberspace for all to read. If I have something clever to say, I'll send you the link to my craigslist post.

Q: Please...?
A: Here is the link to my blog that I have never once used: http://alachdean.blogspot.com/ I, again, make no guarantees, but I will try to occasionally let you know I am safe and well... I, at least, promise to use the blog as an alternative venue if I have feel the need to do this sort of thing again.

All right everyone. I hope this email has served your purposes and no one feels left out of the loop. Most importabntly from this email is a PLEA that if here is ANY news (good or bad) that I should know about, please do not wait until I land back in the states before you spring it on me. I understand that extreme circumstances call for extreme measures, but mostly PLEASE let me know if anything happens. I know I will be missing some weddings and births and that sucks. Keep me up to date anyway!

I love you all and am so glad that you are so goddamn cool.

Andrea